I was gone.  Gone somewhere far away.  This time it seemed like i was lost for so long i didn’t know how i would have come back.  I knew that i was still there.  Somewhere inside a place that was a shell of myself. It felt like a crystal fragment. Something that had been shattered off and locked away.  Something smaller and pulled inward.

The thing that i remember of it all was the quiet.  I can’t remember the last sound i heard, but i remember this quiet like it was a sound louder than anything i had ever heard.  It was silence like being deep underground.  I could hear the air move over my head, and the beat of my own heart.  Even that though was making it seem louder than it was.  That noise seemed almost like my body and brain fighting to hear anything.  Like it was clinging to the fact that there has to be some noise somewhere.  Yet, it can’t find anything to latch onto, and the silence is too much.

It was a feeling of crowded spaces and closed in, and silent.  Like someone was moving the core of my being to another place,and had shut down my senses while they moved it.  But they were cruel and left the core of my mind awake and aware.  I couldn’t move, and i couldn’t see, and i couldn’t feel.  I knew i couldn’t do these things, but still my mind worked to find them.

Now though, it seems to come back to me in some ways.  Like wires touching and current flowing through them.  I don’t know what changed, but know that I was gone. I don’t know for how long,  I don’t know where I ended up.  I know that I can’t open my eyes right now.  I can’t seem to reach out and sense anything.  But my mind is working and the connections between me and the world are coming back.  Part of me is scared that when I can open my eyes and see again, i will be in that darkness still.  I don’t know what is more frightening.  I may still be locked into this bed, i may still be in the dark.  What if though, i am somewhere new?

I don’t know what i would do if the dreams i had for so many years were actually dreams within another dream of dreaming.  My thoughts look at that and come back to scream to think less.  To know that I have had these memories, and that they aren’t mine.  That somehow I have been somewhere else this whole time.  What would that mean.  Would my vision come back and I could move my head again and finally get out of the bed i have been in for so long?  It seems like hope, and hope leads to disappointment.

That darkness makes me shudder though.  To be cut off from the few things i have to sense the world, to reach out, and know you are still there,but the ability to connect to what is around you is gone.  That is madness of the most basic sort.  You can’t live in your mind for too long.