I am still here.  Still frozen in place in this bed.  Something changed though.  Something is different. It was tiny, and at first I didn’t know what was causing me this distress.  What had changed in the room i have been in so long that I can’t imagine anything in the world beyond these walls.  Nothing except the dreams that I seem to live half my life in.  Although lately, it seems that more than half is in these dreams that I keep returning too.

It was motion in the room that caught my eye.  Something so small, at first i thought it wasn’t really there.  Something tiny and black.  It was on the wall so far down into the edge of my vision, i had to force my eyes down to track it.  Had i not just woken up from these strange dreams and thoughts, i wouldn’t have noticed it.  It was small, or at least it seemed so.  I saw it on the lower edge of my vision.  Against the far wall of my room.  It was on the wall, and i wouldn’t have noticed it until it moved.  I know it is an insect of some kind.  Something crawled on the wall.  I can’t tell what it is.

I think it is a fly.  I wish it would crawl a little higher up the wall.  Somewhere my eyes could focus clearer on what it was.  Somewhere I can focus, or at least get closer.  This is the first thing i can remember changing in this room in as long as i have lain here.  As long as i can remember, this place has been static.  Nothing ever moves, nothing ever changes.  The world seems frozen, and the environment locked in place.  Now this, and it is alive.  Something other than me is in the room.  Something alive and vital.  Something distinct from my mind.  It is tiny, and moving.

I don’t know what my first thought was when i saw it.  I think it was a mix of excitement and fear.  I was excited that this means that I am not alone.  I am not alone in this room, which means that I am not alone in the world.  If a fly, or a bug of some kind, is here, what is out there?  What else exists?  How did it get inside the room?  Will someone come and get it from here?  Will someone catch it?

The fear followed the excitement.  What if it lands on me?  Can it hurt me?  An outside force acting on this body that i have, the body i seem to be stuck in.  What if it lands on me, and my body swats it.  What if i have been frozen here, and really i could have moved and acted on the world the entire time?  What would that mean?  If i can make the fly leave my body, can i enact other changes around me?

Why are those my first two thoughts.  What does that say about my mind at this point.  I remember, or think i do, so many living things all around me.  Now i am reduced to dreams, and this new thing crawling on the wall.  I can see it a little clearer now.  It is still moving.  Just a tiny movement up the wall.  Not more than an inch.  But i can see it now.  It is a fly.  It looks like a normal house fly.  Just black and iridescent.  I can see it’s wings.  I can see it’s legs.

What does this mean to this place.  Something outside the environment is here.  Something that isn’t of this place has come into this place.  Something in this room with me, that wasn’t in the room with me before.  Now it is here.  I have a visitor, and a companion.  Something that could leave the room as easily as it came into it.  And could i leave with it?  It doesn’t seem possible, but it opens the world a bit more around me.

He has stopped moving.  Frozen on the wall where he had climbed.  I don’t know why, but I think it is a male fly.  I don’t know how i would guess that, but it seems right in my mind that this is a male.  He seems like an explorer.  How did he get into here?  Are there visitors while i sleep?  Does someone tend me while i dream?  I have so many dreams lately.  Waking dreams of green and water.  So many things seem to be growing in my mind.   Did my mind bring this animal back with me from one of my dreams?

He is still, and my mind is still.  I have an object, and the object is my focus.  I have cast my mind into the fly, and it has frozen in reply.  It waits, and i wait.  I am waiting for it to move.  Is it waiting for me to move?  Does it know i am here?  What is the gulf between me and the fly, from it’s eye can it see me?  Does it wonder why i haven’t moved, as i wonder why it hasn’t?