I have to try again.  Again, and again and again and again.  I feel like i am going crazy right now.  Like an itch or a nagging pull against a sheet while you are trying to sleep.  Something keeps pulling at my soul.  Something is nagging at me, teasing inside of my brain and body.  Have you ever had to sleep, and all of your joints felt like they needed you to stretch them over and over to release this build-up of pressure?  I feel like there is something inside my skin, deep into my core that needs to be ripped and pulled apart

I can’t remember what caused this, what made me aware of this pressure.  Maybe that is the whole point of things like this, you don’t know where they come from.  Some chemical buildup in my brain, causing misfiring of signals in my body.  Have you ever been unable to scratch something that was driving you mad.  Something that you had to just try to ignore?  The more that you ignored it, the more it pulled for your attention and focus.  This is like that, but the focus is my joints, and the cavity in my chest.  A building pressure and need to squeeze the tissue to relieve it.  Something inside that I can’t seem to ignore.

I tried at first when i first woke from my dream to just dismiss it.  To ignore it again like i have before.  Eventually the pressure has to subside.  My body has to know that I can’t remove the pressure, or move my body to make it stop.  Maybe my mind remembers the motion and action in my dream, and responds to it in the morning while waking.  Not that i know it is morning here in this room.  It doesn’t seem like any particular time.  Just a dull even glow.  That isn’t for now though, but it makes me realize that I need to try again to find a way to move.

I have been here for so many years, i feel like this bed, and these sheets and this dull room are a trap my mind has fallen into.  Like somewhere I am moving and running down a road, and at the same time i am still here.  I know my body remembers the feel of water and wind, and sand and dirt.  It remembers these things like echos.  Why can’t i move.  Why are my hands and legs like dead things.  I know a while ago, i was sure i would move.  Something in my body seemed so ready to make a motion.  Something distracted me though, pulled my attention away to sleep.

I seem to be waking up more fully now.  The distinction between myself and the things i am dreaming of make more sense.  My dreams fade like normal, but more and more I understand that fragments remain in my mind.  Like a record of past events, i am forming a photo.  Something I can look at for clues, and figure out a way.  Either a way out of this trapped and locked down body into the dreams, or a way to move the dreams in my mind.

If i can find a way to change the dreams, and mold them to my own mind, can those dreams become the real world? Follow down the path to my dreams with my awareness, and leave more of this body behind here in this bed?  What happens if my dreams are more real than the room i am in now.  What will happen if my mind here, in this body, starts to wither away.  Starts to want more of the dream, and i follow it as best I can.  Will I notice any change in the real world my body is in?