by ·Comments Off on There has been a missing space

I am not sure what has happened to me.  I was just here one minute and the next I am still here, but different.  I know something has changed, some time frame has shifted.  Like a large space of time has gone by, and nothing happened while i wasn’t there.  Was i awake?  Was I asleep this whole time.  It seems that so much has happened, but I am still in the same spot that i was in a moment ago.  How can I still be here, but not still in the same time.  I am so disorganized and tired still.  Still fighting with my own mind to try to find out where and when i am.  I can’t imagine that no time has passed, but It can’t be as large of a moment as it seems.

The first thing i noticed that made me think that something had happened was when i closed my eyes the walls around me in this room were white.  The bedspread over me was tan.  I opened them and the walls seem tan and the bedspread is grey.  It can’t be that they changed, or did i just remember the colors wrong.  Maybe they were backwards the whole time.  I know i have never been any good at remembering colors.  I am pretty sure I can only see in primary colors, and there isn’t anything but red, green, blue.  That doesn’t seem right though.  There are more colors than that.  I remember once while travelling seeing a tv commercial for testing for color blindness in kids.  The people on the screen were holding up cards to show you the tests they use and talking about numbers i couldn’t see.  Was the tv screen not showing the numbers?  Was I not able to see them there because I was color blind?  Was i really travelling?

I am having trouble telling the real world from what I have dreamt.  I know that I have vivid dreams that seem so real and so close to my waking mind.  But sometimes it seems like they bleed over into the real world, and I wonder if the things I saw happened.  Is there some chance that I am here, and then gone?  How can I be here in this bed, laying here trying to sort my thoughts, and also in those dreams not knowing which is real.  If i dream i am digging up dirt, and wake up with dirt under my nails.  Did I bring that with me?  Did i go to sleep with dirt under my nails last night?  I can’t seem to really remember last night.  I just seem to remember this morning.

The funny thing is that I can lay here and feel things moving.  I can feel my skin moving against the sheets, I can feel my air through my throat.  My hair rubbing against the pillow.  But at the same time, i feel like I can’t move at all.  Like I can’t move beyond the slight motion that is happening all the time.  I know I can move my legs, I have done it so many times.  But I can’t seem to find the energy to move them now.

by ·Comments Off on Pulling Together

Eventually I will have to get out of this bed.  I’ll have to get moving and face whatever happens when I put down my feet.  I am not sure that I’m ready to get up yet, and sometimes I don’t think I can move my legs even if I wanted to.  What if I can’t move today?  Sometimes in my dreams I try to run, and my legs won’t move forward.  I remember what it feels like to run, and what the motion should feel like.  I know i’m asleep, and know I need to move faster, but I can’t make my legs move.  It feels like i’m shuffling, and not able to lift my feet.  Slowly moving forward.  At the best moments of my dreams, I embrace that I can’t lift my feet off the ground, and start to glide.  I wonder if I am lucid dreaming in these dreams?  If I am, what is the difference between when I am stuck not running, and gliding along.  Sometimes, when I am gliding, my strides get longer and longer.  It’s like I’m hovering over the ground as I run.  I wonder to myself in these dreams why everyone else isn’t pointing and calling out.  I’m hovering, not quite flying and holding myself over the ground.  It feels amazing, and in my waking day I wish I could run that way.  To throw myself foot over foot, and drift across the ground.  But those days I can’t move my legs, where I’m stuck in the mud, latched to the ground.  Maybe this is a form of waking up as well, awake in the dream like in life.  What if I wake up in the dream when I can glide across the ground.  What if my stuck feet are the same as the feeling of not waking up in the morning and feeling trapped in bed.  One more minute, one more hour, one more stretch and I might get away from this.  Maybe in this day, I’m spending too much time waking up, and not enough time being awake.  Maybe this is the most awake I’ve ever been and I’m finally getting ready to glide away from here.  Could everyone else be gliding right now, and I feel slow and stuck in the mud?  What if I’m already gliding and I just can’t tell.  What if I’ve been asleep in this bed and waiting to wake up for all this time.  Everything will continue to move without me being out there, and I don’t want to miss anything.  How am I going to pull myself awake from these dreams, when the dreams are so real they seem better than what I’m waking up to.  If your dreams are better than your waking life, then you are probably doing something wrong, or you are not living in a dream yet.  Outside my window a cloth is stuck in a branch and is slowly getting blown back and forth in the wind.  Time to move that cloth and bring it inside.

by ·Comments Off on Moving Aside
Staircase

Grey Staircase Up or Down?

So I have to ask myself, if I am pulling away filters from each step as I wake up, what do I start with?  What is the first filter you need to move? What would that look like, is it pulling a rod attached to blinds?  Pulling a cloth across a window? Is it slipping lens before your eyes and losing the color blue.  I always imagine our filters are woven fabric used to filter water.  Giant black tendrels weaving in and out of each other.  Small enough, and you could live on the threads, and grow your whole life on one section of the filter.  Large enough and you are forced into the weave.  You push up against the cloth and are pinned as everything flows around you.  How many smaller things are flowing around the obstruction in the way, and do they notice anything different in the way they see the world?  Do they seem faster than those next to them?  Do they rush forward towards something, away from something?  Filters are odd things to think about.

So does my day start out with me remembering nothing? Or everything.  Am I removing all of the filters I’ve learned how to remove or add to make my life what it seems to be about.  Or is the day started like a saved game or started movie, taken off pause or reloaded.  I’ve gone off track, as I tend to do.  I’m sure I was going somewhere with that thought, but I don’t know exactly where it was going.

One thing that I know that I am in love with is the feeling of stretching out my legs when I wake up.  Something about that intense first feeling of everything pulling out.  It is like potential, something building.  They are often sore, and weary from the day before, but always energized for that first moment.  I’ve started the day with so many stretches, they are all blending together.  What goes into the thought that remembers that my body needs to move? Is it just basic biology.  Is my body just knowing that moving the legs first thing is the best way to keep myself safe?  Like baby deer or giraffe that are born and start walking.  You know the first thing your day may call for is to run.  Or to jump or dance. Or just to lay in peace and happiness and just rest and stretch.  What if we are pulling our legs out to pull the vessels in our legs longer so that the negative pressure caused blood to pull faster into the extremities.  What if this life was that much of a machine.  What if it is all pressure gradients and volumes.  What if we are a math problem, what is the equation that we would write out to explain each movement in our day.  How would we wrap our mind around the variables?  Can we take each moment and wake each portion of our body and mind at such a speed that we can see each letter and number etched out to pull the equation together.  Another day is beginning, and I think I could lay here a few more minutes if I need to.

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I’ve noticed that every morning I seem to be waking up with new pieces. I notice new things. So many thoughts that up until now I must have turned a blind eye to. Was i noticing them at all? Were they there in any form, or was I seeing them and looking through them. That is a bad path to start your brain off with first thing in the morning. If I never noticed or thought about something before that moment, was it always there and I just never noticed it? I am sure that must be the case. However, that means that we have perceptive filters on our awareness. Only when we start removing those filters to we start noticing new things. But, there must be a mechanism for doing this, for removing these filters.

Filters seem like the right word for them as well. We use filters for only one thing, to block out one thing from going to another location. We filter out light with cloth or solids, stop the waves of light from passing through, or being altered in some way to dim them. What would the anti-filter for a light wave be? If we assume that the light is already being filtered. Would it be moving beyond our atmosphere? The vacuum of space though has a large volume of molecules blocking some amount of the light. What would happen if those were pushed to one side or another in the same way blinds are parted in my bedroom when i wake up?

What would someone see looking through that vacancy? What would raw unfiltered sunlight look like? But in the same way the more interesting idea is that of ideas themselves. What is the filter we have in place of a new idea. When you are a child and first think of a novel idea, one you have never been exposed to, what was the filter in that idea’s way? The filter exists in some form since the idea you thought of has already been thought of before. (Most likely) But you have never thought of the idea before this very moment, so what was in it’s way. Since I’ve already thought about it before you, it existed, but not for you. You found the idea, and realized it existed, but the idea itself existed before now. So is the source of idea’s the person who tells you the idea? In that case, to find new ideas, we have to go to the people who are telling things to us that no one has ever said. Those people are the ones with ideas. Maybe they are right, maybe they are wrong, but they are new. New to you and new to other people as well. Removing a filter (right or wrong) is still a filter moved out of the way. It still brings us closer to the raw sunlight.

by ·Comments Off on One Cell wakes up too far

I woke up this morning and one cell in my shoulder had woken up more than the rest.  It wasn’t anything that you would normally notice.  I had dreams of movement and energy that I can’t quite put together.  I had moments of seeking bikes and long sleds and movement.  I dreamt of halls with large roofs and selling goods.  Music on old pianos and ringing noises of sound.  The last thing i remember was eating sugar and fruit.

I’m awake now and I can feel a single point smaller than a pinhead in my shoulder.  It seems more alive and awake than the rest of my body.  Laying her, i can almost feel it moving on it’s own.  Like an animal in my shoulder asking to be let free. The rest of my body feels the same as it always does.  One point of energy being asked to move forward and be let out.  How do we know what each cell is doing, and can one cell have taken all of the energy of my dream in and be ready to transmit that to the waking world?

Why can’t we move our energy into a single cell, and burn that cell like fire through the day to carry out more than the rest of the body does.  If we focus enough on the single cell, will the rest synchronize up to the one operating at a higher level and become a harmony of will and energy.  There doesn’t seem to be any reason to think that I can’t move that one part of my body into some sort of alignment with my waking mind.

Maybe the cell is still asleep and dreaming of moving, and feeding on the food of my dreams.  If so, does that part of my body will remember my dream, when the rest of my body slowly forgets?  Is there some tie between my dream movement and noise, and the single cell that woke up too far?

by ·Comments Off on Waking up

I never really paid attention to waking up until recently.  The more I think about it, the smaller details I notice, and the stranger waking up seems to become.  At first I always thought that waking up would be like the fuzzy sound of a speaker warming up.  Maybe the feel of slowly approaching my body and reattaching.  However, the more I look at it, the more binary it seems.  One moment I am not there, and the next I’m awake.  There seems to be no boundry between the two.  I don’t know if this is normal, since I’ve never really thought to ask someone what it feels like to wake up.  Maybe it doesn’t really feel like anything, and you just ‘wake up’.  The more time I look at this, the more it seems to be an important clue.  Something between the moment of being asleep and the moment of being awake has to represent a change of some sort.

This should be the start of my journey to wake up.  Maybe there are a million types of these transition states that happen every day, and I’ve never noticed them before now.  It could be that I’ve been switching between them, and just not aware. I hope to notice more of these, and piece apart the layers between waking and sleeping. Between laying and standing, moving and standing still.