I was asleep again.  Asleep and awake in the pillows.  I can’t be asleep in the pillows, because there is only one pillow.  There isn’t pillows in the sense of multiple pillows that I could be inside of.  I have one thin pillow behind my head.  It has been the same place, and it has been the same pillow.  My head feels about 5 degrees, above the plane of my body.  I wonder sometimes, is this the amount that some medical book says a human body should rest at?  Why not flat?  Why not higher?

My mind thinks that maybe this angle is the one that our head would be with an arm resting under it.  Is that the  angle that our body feels the most at peace with?  Is this the angle that we naturally calm the most if we feel ourselves in.  What if this is the way that they keep me calm.  Keep my mind at ease while i lay here.  Maybe it produces some natural sedative that keeps everything level.  Keeps the cortisol levels low so my body doesn’t spend more energy trying to figure out what is wrong.

Either way though, the single pillow seems almost a part of the bed.  Like a part of the whole bed that was built in one place.  I wonder if someone ever changes the pillow case.  I haven’t ever noticed any change in the way the fabric feels against my neck.  So maybe it never changes.  With the way time feels here, i can’t tell if it would be needed.  Plus, how much do you need to change the sheets if a person never moves?  I must still be losing skin, and shedding the dead parts of me from the inside out.

This also, makes me wonder what kind of sheets i am lying on.  They seem both rough and smooth.  They feel like the kind of sheets that a high end hotel uses.  I know i have said this before, and it seems to keep making me think of hotels.  The thing about them is that they say that our body sheds pounds of skin a year.  If i have been here for months, have i shed a half pound of skin?  If someone lifted me off this bed, and then they picked up the sheets, how much would they weight?  Would someone really feel that difference, what does a half pound of shed feel like?  That is a strange thought to have after thinking of pillows.

For now I will enjoy the dreams of digging into mounds of pillows. Soft on all sides, and nested into the comfort of the fabric on all sides of my face. The soft weight pressing into my sides.  Around my face and cheeks.  Feeling myself sagging into the comfort and knowing a wash of peace of all the fabric.  I know that waking up to this means that I will forget the feeling that came with this dream.  The feeling of being safe and comfortable on this bed.  And replacing it with one pillow holding my head up by five degrees.