I woke up in the same bed. The same bed in the same room. The same room in this light that never changes. The same light on my sheets covering my body. My body that I can’t move, and all of this over and over again.
Clover and again so many bees
Tag: bed
And no noise filtered through
I was gone. Gone somewhere far away. This time it seemed like i was lost for so long i didn’t know how i would have come back. I knew that i was still there. Somewhere inside a place that was a shell of myself. It felt like a crystal fragment. Something that had been shattered off and locked away. Something smaller and pulled inward.
Going forward, moving limbs
I have to try again. Again, and again and again and again. I feel like i am going crazy right now. Like an itch or a nagging pull against a sheet while you are trying to sleep. Something keeps pulling at my soul. Something is nagging at me, teasing inside of my brain and body. Have you ever had to sleep, and all of your joints felt like they needed you to stretch them over and over to release this build-up of pressure? I feel like there is something inside my skin, deep into my core that needs to be ripped and pulled apart
Bent and corner turned
I am still here. Still frozen in place in this bed. Something changed though. Something is different. It was tiny, and at first I didn’t know what was causing me this distress. What had changed in the room i have been in so long that I can’t imagine anything in the world beyond these walls. Nothing except the dreams that I seem to live half my life in. Although lately, it seems that more than half is in these dreams that I keep returning too.
Single wind and word
A ringing came out of my head in my dream last night. It was this sound like someone had hit a crystal with an iron rod. Something large, and like a monolith. Something that stood to the sky, and then someone ran at it with a huge iron rod in their hands. They hit it and the sound started at the base and travelled up the length of the crystal.
I couldn’t see any of this, it wasn’t even a part of my dream. I remember parts of what was in my head, and then this sound. This ringing deep sound started. It was something like a force pushing into my whole body from the sound alone. It made my teeth hurt. My eyes felt full.
The thing about the sound is that I knew where it was coming from, and couldn’t tell you how i knew, or where it was coming from. It seemed to flood into the world. Like a noise that became all the world around me. Then something happened that hasn’t happened that I can remember. I knew i wasn’t awake. I knew i was in a dream, and i didn’t wake up. It was like waking up in a strange place, and not knowing how i got there. Knowing that I was asleep, i could see around myself and see the movement of the things around me.
Suddenly I knew i was a part of this dream, but apart from the dream. I need to find out what this crystal was. Who rang the thing, and what was it for. What was the reason for my waking up now. Why wasn’t i awake in the world, and still in the dream i was in before. I know this means something, and seem like right now i can’t focus to figure it out.
Like i know that I need to figure out why my brain seems to shudder and start. Why is my mind piecing this background information into my reality. Why is the dream becoming so much more real than anything else. When was i last awake, and why are my dreams becoming more vivid over time. I seem to be putting things together while my body sleeps. Frozen, but my mind moves.
Soft focus and buried
I was asleep again. Asleep and awake in the pillows. I can’t be asleep in the pillows, because there is only one pillow. There isn’t pillows in the sense of multiple pillows that I could be inside of. I have one thin pillow behind my head. It has been the same place, and it has been the same pillow. My head feels about 5 degrees, above the plane of my body. I wonder sometimes, is this the amount that some medical book says a human body should rest at? Why not flat? Why not higher?
Extended noise
I have been spending the last few days trying to figure out what is going on. I can’t tell if this is a prison, or if the whole thing is just a dream that I can’t wake up from. I noticed that the dreams i do have never seem to show my face. Never seem to show a reflection in anything that you would normally expect. I know that I should see my face back in a reflection in a window or a car, or something, but there isn’t anything there at all.
Touch through edges
My mind keeps going into itself. I keep returning to these same thoughts over and over. Like a note that keeps playing in my mind. Everything i do to distract myself from this thought seems to end up pulling me back. So maybe that is something. Is this what i am supposed to think about? Will it stay in my mind until i have looked at it from every angle? Smoothed out the rough edges and sanded it down to a sphere?
The birth and the scent
It is fading. Already it is fading and falling away. So strange how the moments like this fall away. The sounds and the smells seem like the would never leave my mind. Like I would spend the rest of my time on earth thinking of this one thing. Over and over, and repeating in my mind that moment. But it washes away. Sooner than I think it would go. Where does it go, when it falls away from my mind. What falls away first.
I keep wondering what i lose first. What part of the dream, what part of the memory fades first. It seems the first thing i lose is the sound. I remember so many memories, and find myself filling in the sounds around what I know the sound must have been. I remember what rain sounds like, and my brain just puts the sound of rain into my dreams. But this, the first thing going is the feeling. The touch and the sense of pressure. I remember from just a moment back that I could feel the pressure of my stomach and the feeling of tightness and skin. Now though, i can’t remember the exact feeling.
The smell though, i remember the smell. It was coming from this white spread across his skin. He smelled like new bread. Yeasty and fresh. The smell of all growing things, of a health i can’t remember anything in the world smelling like. If this was a smell of the beginning and the smell of all wholesome thing. It is so hard to explain. So hard to put some basic things into words. How to explain something so pure and unique. It wasn’t like yeast and bread, but my brain thought that was the smell. It reminded me of earth, but that wasn’t the smell. It smelled clean, but also not clean. How can one thing have so many different descriptors.
This memory like everything else is receding. Falling away and slowly becoming background. Memory that will still be tucked away, but like a silent movie. No sound or feeling or connection, just this thing there sitting in my mind. I remember reading a book somewhere that tells that the more that you think about something, the more it isn’t real. Your mind can’t remember all the details and starts to replace things. The sounds weren’t right. Then your mind goes about convincing you that they were that way the whole time. Then you can’t remember anything but what you inserted into the memory.
I know this is what is happening to me. As i speak, my mind is filing away all these moments, and is replacing them with things that are false. And then my brain can’t remember that they are false, and goes about rebuilding them and convincing itself it is true.
Will i forget my son? Will i forget the smell of new bread that came off his skin so clearly? What happens to this, and was this real in the first place? Can someone bring this back to me to remember.
New things are born
This was a dream that stood up on it’s own. Like something out of someone’s life that wasn’t mine. It must have been someone else, but It is harder and harder to tell the difference. I saw it all so clearly, so perfect. I almost felt the emotions, but there was this wall of glass between what was happening and what I was feeling. Like looking in on something in a fishtank. Swimming and living, and distinct. I remember the feelings though, and the smell. Like a list of characters, and words. Symbols of what I was seeing and what was attached to each event.
I have to remember this, and start to put it into some form that stays in my mind. Things seem to slip away sometimes, and they should be there, but they aren’t. I know that I need to remember this, but at the same time if it fades like the other memories, i feel like i will still have it with me. It needs to remain, it has to feel burnt into place.
I remember the feeling of the birth, the body and the pain. I remember the feelings of my stomach pulling itself inward. Pain was so sharp, but after so long, it was like the pain was who i was. I couldn’t remember a time when i didn’t hurt, and it was now just a core part of me. I remember also this sense of peace. Like this was right and this was human. Something that was beyond my understanding and also so pure that it didn’t even need to be understood.
I remember the feeling that somehow I was a string, and i was in the process of tying another piece of string to mine. Like I needed to badly tie a knot between us, and let this string start to unwind from me. But at the same time, it was connected to me. It threw my mind back, and I realized that I was connected to a thread, and so was that thread. We were the warp, the woof was everyone passing along the thread to hold it in place. The warp was unending and timeless.
But then the pain, the feeling of being too tight. My whole body felt too tight. Like the skin couldn’t hold what I was doing in any longer. Something was bursting out, and needing to be freed or I would rip apart. Come apart at the seams and fall to pieces. This feeling was something so new, and so primal. I couldn’t tell you how long each burst last. It seemed timeless and too short at the same moment. Something so much a part of me that I knew i couldn’t forget. At the same time though I knew that my brain was washing itself in a way to make this pain fall away. Something to keep the moment at bay.
My son was being born. I remember that moment. The moment it came back to me what was happening. What was being done. What was going on, and what it meant for me and every thread going back down the line above me. Every line that would be held in place by his. Something was happening, and I could feel it so clearly.
This memory seems so real. I just need a moment to think, a moment to reflect. Maybe if I close my eyes for a minute, the details will be clear. The moment will seem real, or i will know if that was me. Did I have this memory?