mymachinedream
It was a joy. A joy of so much freedom last night. So much and so long since i have had dreams of water. So long without my dreams of waves, and water, and running. I couldn’t believe it. When i woke up in my dream, i was already moving. I remember the water was green, and blue. It felt like electricity, and life itself. I remember the moon was high in the sky, and I could almost feel the waves being pulled up.
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It was a wind through a tunnel. Something narrow and cold. I know it was cold like steel, or silver. The color was silver, and even in the dark, the walls glowed and shone. Something burnished and almost alive. The wind was a rush. Like water in a valley, it was pushed into and through this passageway. Blowing with a steady flow, and it wasn’t until i stood there for a while that i noticed the changes in the wind.
It started out that i noticed the hairs on my arms. They would blow, and then for a brief moment, slowly rise a tiny fraction. Then, back to where they were. This is when i realized that the wind wasn’t constant. The tunnel was breathing. Or the wind was breathing and the tunnel was channeling the breath by me. Either way, it was subtle and only in my stillness did i notice the changes.
I remembered as a child i stood on a hillside that had been mined years before. The mountain was full of holes where people had dug and dug. I was climbing on the mountain, and remember finding a hole in the ground. Just a tiny hole, maybe a foot across. I would have walked by it without noticing, except the wind coming out of it made this sound. Like a soft moaning noise. The wind was coming from inside the mountain. It was a chimney for the mines below, to carry air into the mine, and blow the spent air into the mountain.
I haven’t thought of that hole, and that wind, in so long. I remember standing on the side of the hole, and staring down into the dark, with my hand over the hole, feeling the wind. I was frozen then, and I am frozen now.
This is the first time i remember being a child. That means i must be an adult now, if i remember being a child before? I know that I seem to be adult sized here in bed. I know that I must be fully grown to know the things i know. I know this for sure, but I don’t remember being a child. Except this memory now, i remember that so well. Who dug that chimney? What did the people in the mine feel when they stood benieth the space in the mountain where the air was focused on escaping.
Now after years, i stood again on this metal surface, and it brought me back in time and i remember. I remember being small. And i know that it seems real, and seems like me. This place i am now is like standing in that tunnel. Why are the only colors i can see in the dark glowing silver? How can i see glowing in the dark? I am sure it is dark. I know light from dark at least, and I know my eyes are open now. How long have we changed to have the sense of wind on our arms to give us this information, even when everything else is hidden. To stop and know the motion of wind, to know that the air itself breaths sometimes, and changes in such subtle ways.
I had a vision in my mind of my hand holding a leaf. At least it seemed to be my hand, and i knew it was a leaf. I say that I didn’t know if for certain it was my hand because now i am doubting what my hands look like under this sheet. It has been under there for a long time, and if i strain my eyes, i can see the outline of what must be my hands under the sheet. How do i know what they look like if i can’t feel them or move them though?
I woke up in the same bed. The same bed in the same room. The same room in this light that never changes. The same light on my sheets covering my body. My body that I can’t move, and all of this over and over again.
I was gone. Gone somewhere far away. This time it seemed like i was lost for so long i didn’t know how i would have come back. I knew that i was still there. Somewhere inside a place that was a shell of myself. It felt like a crystal fragment. Something that had been shattered off and locked away. Something smaller and pulled inward.
I have to try again. Again, and again and again and again. I feel like i am going crazy right now. Like an itch or a nagging pull against a sheet while you are trying to sleep. Something keeps pulling at my soul. Something is nagging at me, teasing inside of my brain and body. Have you ever had to sleep, and all of your joints felt like they needed you to stretch them over and over to release this build-up of pressure? I feel like there is something inside my skin, deep into my core that needs to be ripped and pulled apart
I am still here. Still frozen in place in this bed. Something changed though. Something is different. It was tiny, and at first I didn’t know what was causing me this distress. What had changed in the room i have been in so long that I can’t imagine anything in the world beyond these walls. Nothing except the dreams that I seem to live half my life in. Although lately, it seems that more than half is in these dreams that I keep returning too.
A ringing came out of my head in my dream last night. It was this sound like someone had hit a crystal with an iron rod. Something large, and like a monolith. Something that stood to the sky, and then someone ran at it with a huge iron rod in their hands. They hit it and the sound started at the base and travelled up the length of the crystal.
I couldn’t see any of this, it wasn’t even a part of my dream. I remember parts of what was in my head, and then this sound. This ringing deep sound started. It was something like a force pushing into my whole body from the sound alone. It made my teeth hurt. My eyes felt full.
The thing about the sound is that I knew where it was coming from, and couldn’t tell you how i knew, or where it was coming from. It seemed to flood into the world. Like a noise that became all the world around me. Then something happened that hasn’t happened that I can remember. I knew i wasn’t awake. I knew i was in a dream, and i didn’t wake up. It was like waking up in a strange place, and not knowing how i got there. Knowing that I was asleep, i could see around myself and see the movement of the things around me.
Suddenly I knew i was a part of this dream, but apart from the dream. I need to find out what this crystal was. Who rang the thing, and what was it for. What was the reason for my waking up now. Why wasn’t i awake in the world, and still in the dream i was in before. I know this means something, and seem like right now i can’t focus to figure it out.
Like i know that I need to figure out why my brain seems to shudder and start. Why is my mind piecing this background information into my reality. Why is the dream becoming so much more real than anything else. When was i last awake, and why are my dreams becoming more vivid over time. I seem to be putting things together while my body sleeps. Frozen, but my mind moves.
I was asleep again. Asleep and awake in the pillows. I can’t be asleep in the pillows, because there is only one pillow. There isn’t pillows in the sense of multiple pillows that I could be inside of. I have one thin pillow behind my head. It has been the same place, and it has been the same pillow. My head feels about 5 degrees, above the plane of my body. I wonder sometimes, is this the amount that some medical book says a human body should rest at? Why not flat? Why not higher?
My mind keeps going into itself. I keep returning to these same thoughts over and over. Like a note that keeps playing in my mind. Everything i do to distract myself from this thought seems to end up pulling me back. So maybe that is something. Is this what i am supposed to think about? Will it stay in my mind until i have looked at it from every angle? Smoothed out the rough edges and sanded it down to a sphere?