mymachinedream
Something new happened. I have to remember it. I don’t know how to even classify this in the oddities that seem to happen so frequently. And I want to talk about the annoying hum in the wires behind my head. I know it isn’t a large thing to want to change, but if i could find some way to shut that off, my mind would unclench. That can wait though. I think someone was watching me in my dream last night.
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I remember cardboard boxes today. This must be the most boring and basic memory I have ever had. Especially lately. I thought I was finding a way somewhere forward from here, but now all that is in my mind is boxes. Cardboard boxes. The kind you ship packages in, the ones that pile up to the door while you are out. Waste of the day, and broken down without a second thought. I am remembering the way the light would shine into and through the corners of a folded up box. The area where the edges fold together at the bottom of the box.
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I have come to see a plant growing in my dreams. I see it again and again. So i stopped last night and looked at it. I really focused on the leaf. The leaf was huge, and deep green. Like algae blooming in a slow moving stream. Dark green and so vivid. So healthy and growing. I remember sitting there, squatted down and staring. I couldn’t seem to get closer and closer, no matter how far my face was from the leaf. I remember that I moved my face closer, and the leaf stayed the same distance. I pulled back, and it seemed to swim closer to my face.
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I woke up this morning? This evening, or this whatever. I woke up, and for the first few minutes I couldn’t remember what had woken me up so quickly. Normally, it is like walking out of a thick fog. The view around me comes in slowly, and fades more into view, than out. It seems normally like the things around me are fading into existence as I wake up. This time though, i was asleep one moment, and awake the next. The thing that woke me up was a small humming.
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This Dream seemed more like fragments of thoughts than a story or narrative. I woke up in bed and again tried so hard to move. I laid here in this half awake and half asleep state, and tried for hours to move something. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pull these sheets down and see myself. I couldn’t even remember for a long moment what I looked like anymore. For a moment i was terrified that my body wasn’t really here, that this was just a form I invented to make sense of my new world. Then i could see the edges of my body laying in state under the blankets around me.
I felt back to all the moments in the dream, or dreams, i had last night. Trying as i have been to form some sort of pattern. Something that will give me a clue as to where I am. How i got here and how i can get out of this room.
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I feel like my mind is running in a fury. A speeding barrel rolling down a hill. The force of the speed trying to throw the staves off, at the same time the impact of each connection with the ground seeming to want to push the walls inside. The forces balanced so perfectly, nothing could move in either direction. The forces are balanced. How to explain what that means, what it feels like to have the push and pull of speed balanced out. One thing could go wrong, one moment faster or slower could destroy the balance so quickly. At the same time though, the balance is amazing. My mind seems to be running along between being unable to think clearly, and also seeing all of the things around me more cleanly than ever before. Like my voice is stuck in my head, but also, my thoughts are clear. I had a flashback to my first moments of remembering. How long ago that all seemed.
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I was at the ocean again. In the water, or at the edge of the water. I wasn’t sure where in the world i was. I wasn’t sure if this even was our world, but I knew it must be. None of my dreams are ever in places that don’t seem in some way real and whole. I don’t think even my strangest dreams seem to be unlinked to some form of reality. Even the ones that seem surreal and crazy, seem to be set and populated with real people, and real places. Just linked in someway to a fantastic setting that seems more of a movie set than real life.
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It felt like snow. Snow all over the side of a high mountain. Cliffs that ran into the air so high they couldn’t be real. It looked like grey granite that no one had climbed up in a thousand years. It looked like a place where people would dig into the rockface to find warmth. Somewhere beyond where life should even think of going. Covering all of that gray and cold was the snow.
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I’ve decided that i should at least try to move a single thread on this bed. It has to be possible at least in theory. I should be able to have my body pull on the thread. It seems that there must be something wrong with my body. There must be right? Or I would be able to move. At least my fingers? They are there right under the the sheets. I can almost see them. Continue reading
I found this floating full form in my mind. It wasn’t in pieces, and it wasn’t something that showed up and i thought about. I was awake, and there was this fragment sitting there. Exactly like this, in my mind and frozen. It didn’t have an ending, and I don’t know where it was from, and where it goes. This seems like a fragment that was lodged into my mind, and floated there until it dislodged.