It was a wind through a tunnel. Something narrow and cold. I know it was cold like steel, or silver. The color was silver, and even in the dark, the walls glowed and shone. Something burnished and almost alive. The wind was a rush. Like water in a valley, it was pushed into and through this passageway. Blowing with a steady flow, and it wasn’t until i stood there for a while that i noticed the changes in the wind.

It started out that i noticed the hairs on my arms. They would blow, and then for a brief moment, slowly rise a tiny fraction. Then, back to where they were. This is when i realized that the wind wasn’t constant. The tunnel was breathing. Or the wind was breathing and the tunnel was channeling the breath by me. Either way, it was subtle and only in my stillness did i notice the changes.

I remembered as a child i stood on a hillside that had been mined years before. The mountain was full of holes where people had dug and dug. I was climbing on the mountain, and remember finding a hole in the ground. Just a tiny hole, maybe a foot across. I would have walked by it without noticing, except the wind coming out of it made this sound. Like a soft moaning noise. The wind was coming from inside the mountain. It was a chimney for the mines below, to carry air into the mine, and blow the spent air into the mountain.

I haven’t thought of that hole, and that wind, in so long. I remember standing on the side of the hole, and staring down into the dark, with my hand over the hole, feeling the wind. I was frozen then, and I am frozen now.

This is the first time i remember being a child. That means i must be an adult now, if i remember being a child before? I know that I seem to be adult sized here in bed. I know that I must be fully grown to know the things i know. I know this for sure, but I don’t remember being a child. Except this memory now, i remember that so well. Who dug that chimney? What did the people in the mine feel when they stood benieth the space in the mountain where the air was focused on escaping.

Now after years, i stood again on this metal surface, and it brought me back in time and i remember. I remember being small. And i know that it seems real, and seems like me. This place i am now is like standing in that tunnel. Why are the only colors i can see in the dark glowing silver? How can i see glowing in the dark? I am sure it is dark. I know light from dark at least, and I know my eyes are open now. How long have we changed to have the sense of wind on our arms to give us this information, even when everything else is hidden. To stop and know the motion of wind, to know that the air itself breaths sometimes, and changes in such subtle ways.

I am piecing together what this world means.  I think i am at least.  I don’t know how to frame what I have found.  Lying here, in this bed.  I realized it a little the other day when the room had changed.  Now I can’t remember what the change was.  Maybe the color of the walls. Maybe the sheet?

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I had a vision in my mind of my hand holding a leaf.  At least it seemed to be my hand, and i knew it was a leaf.  I say that I didn’t know if for certain it was my hand because now i am doubting what my hands look like under this sheet.  It has been under there for a long time, and if i strain my eyes, i can see the outline of what must be my hands under the sheet.  How do i know what they look like if i can’t feel them or move them though?

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I have realized that these things i see in my mind are all united.  They seem to come from the same place in my mind.  Every dream i have, has a beat to it.  A code embedded within it that strums to the same tone.  Something unique, like a footprint running along the spine of the dream.  The footprints match.  I don’t know how i missed this for all of these months, years?  Days?

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I come here, and then I am gone.  The summer months come i think.  I can’t see out of the room, and I know that i have no way of knowing.  But at the same moment that I can’t know, i know with certainty.  I have seen the summer months roll past.  Roll into the dusk of this room.  I won’t be able to put all those moments behind me.

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I woke this morning, or evening, or day.  I woke this morning with a start.  I was embedded in the middle of a stone of diamond.  A crystal chamber that surrounded me on all sides.  The light was beyond clear and bright.  It was yellow and white and the brightest thing i had ever seen in my life.  And then i woke up.  So quickly that It was like a flash frame went off in my mind, and i went from the diamond to the room i am in.  No delay, and no fuzzing around the edges of the mind or the dream.  No dissolving, only one moment to the next.Continue reading

I have to try again.  Again, and again and again and again.  I feel like i am going crazy right now.  Like an itch or a nagging pull against a sheet while you are trying to sleep.  Something keeps pulling at my soul.  Something is nagging at me, teasing inside of my brain and body.  Have you ever had to sleep, and all of your joints felt like they needed you to stretch them over and over to release this build-up of pressure?  I feel like there is something inside my skin, deep into my core that needs to be ripped and pulled apart

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I was asleep again.  Asleep and awake in the pillows.  I can’t be asleep in the pillows, because there is only one pillow.  There isn’t pillows in the sense of multiple pillows that I could be inside of.  I have one thin pillow behind my head.  It has been the same place, and it has been the same pillow.  My head feels about 5 degrees, above the plane of my body.  I wonder sometimes, is this the amount that some medical book says a human body should rest at?  Why not flat?  Why not higher?

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I dreamt of the woods again. Those are such happy and peaceful dreams. It seems like the rhythm and movements are slowed to an almost frozen state.  The air itself seems slow and heavy.  Not heavy in the way that burdens you, but just swaddles you into some careful warmth and presses gently into your skin.  It was a sunny day, and everything was starting to wake up.  It was a dream of spring, and a day of life warming up and beginning to come above ground.

The trees, the deciduous trees had started to get red at the tips, so you looked through the mass of branches, and the red hue lite up the tops of the trees but it was such a nice color.  My eyes knew that this was the sign that the trees knew it was almost time.  The world was getting ready to wake up and the trees were pushing into the air and testing the weather.  Not ready for green, but shoving the red growth out.  The reverse of fall, and the green turning to red, the red would turn to green.

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It was focused on dreams of copper. It was everywhere, and kept showing up on surfaces. Shining and sharp in color, it showed on so many things that it must have meant something.

It made me think that I have noticed my dreams aren’t of gold and silver, but copper comes again and again.  This one seemed to see plates built of copper, and pennies.  Strange that something so common can stand out so clearly.

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