by ·Comments Off on I had a dream of clover

I had a dream of walking in green clover.  Ripped earth covered with green leaves.  White flowers, and red mixed among them.  I stepped on the ground and saw the stems compress.  I looked at the ground and saw the flowers below covered with bees. Heavy with pollen and following all of the guidelines that were danced into their minds.  And i knew that I would not be able to touch the ground with my hands, or hold the flowers to my face or move the bees from their flight.  I am still Dreaming of white clover I still can see the clover out in my dream and know if i got the seeds i could fill my ground with life.

by ·Comments Off on What will be the next to move

It isn’t something that is coming normally, but I am now thinking that I need to move.  I can’t be here much longer without something being strange.  I can’t get past the feeling that there is someone or something moving over me.  Something that is a feeling of someone looking over your shoulder from across a room.  Which is strange, because i can’t remember being in a room.  Or other people.  I have memories of them all, i know so many things about so many people, but I can’t remember any of them really.

All the same, everything feels like i am being watched all the time.  Like someone is seeing every part of my body, and yet, i know i am alone here in this room.  There has to be something here where I can find a mirror or look at something other than the ceiling and the walls.  I can’t keep my head still can I?  Can i even move my head.  How can i know so many things, and see so many thoughts without moving at all.  Everything seems locked in my head, and I know i have a body, and all things around me seem to log into me and register a impact.  At the same time, i know i haven’t moved my head in years.  At least it seems so.

This day seems more disjointed than most.  I can’t seem to remember my dreams, I can’t seem to remember much of anything useful today.  I have so many thoughts of heat and movement.  Wind that I remember, and can seem to remember the feeling of my hairs moving in the wind.  I can’t understand though why my thoughts are so scattered today.  I came to remember smells that I can’t smell any more.  I can remember how flowers felt in my fingers and smelled in my nose, and yet, i can’t remember the last flower i saw.  And were the flowers real?  Were they from a store with added scent to make sure that we knew that they were flowers?  Is there a job where someone raises flowers, and can’t smell them any more.  There must be millions of workers growing flowers that they will never have in their house. Would you even see the colors after a while.  Are they reduced to numbers and tasks.  Do you just end up seeing propagation figures that tell them how many cuttings they can grow from each leaf.  would we buy flowers if we saw how they were grown, how they were divided and how they were made to be machines of life.  Why have we reduced everything to machines.  Why are we turning living systems into machines, or is this what we are at this point.  Is that something that I am at this point?  A machine for remembering flowers, and how they smell and how the wind blows. Maybe that is what I have been reduced to as well.  A memory machine, a storage device for things that have already happened and passing those thoughts on to someone who is still moving.

by ·Comments Off on Dreaming of thunder

I remember sleeping and fading to the sound of thunder rolling.  It sounded like it was in the room with me, hidden beside the bed.  Sound slowly moving towards the bed, towards me, then rolling over me and passing along.  The sound was both lonely and comforting.  I could almost feel the pressure of the sound pushing me down into my bed, keeping me in place.  I slept with the sound coming and going, fading and getting louder as the storm moved.  I dreamt of the sound, and saw the air move and get deeper and darker.

Could the sound have changed the rhythm of my dream, and the nature of my thoughts?  Can sound change our thoughts without us being aware?  What if the sound of thunder was what made my mind so calm while my body didn’t move. How did the movement of the pressure waves and the pulse of my body merge into one.  All i know is that there is a peace in a storm in the distance.  The sound of thunder moving along in the distance, wrapped up in the clouds and hills.  It passed so close and seemed to remain all night and never really fade away.  It moved and moved and seemed to still live under my bed and by my floor.

Still though it helped my mind freeze into place at night and drift into my body more than it seems like it could at any time before.  I still don’t see how I am going to get into a place where I can ever get out of this bed.  The sheets must weigh more than my body, and the more i try to move them, the more that I feel like they are not something i can take off alone.  Like i am shackled into the bed by cloth.  I know that can’t be the way it is though because i can’t feel any links on my arms or legs.  I can feel my skin free under the sheets, and feel the hairs on my arms and legs loose and touching the fabric.

Is this the first time i have felt hair on my arms and legs?  Did i notice that before, or have i taken for granted that I have hairs.  Hairs on my legs down to my feet, and on my arms to my shoulders.  Tiny fine hairs on my arms, and heavier ones on my legs.  Were the hairs there the whole time, or did they just show up now that i am noticing them. I have to keep my mind on the sound of thunder.  On the rolling pressure that comes from the distance and pushes over the bed and passes by.  Nothing should distract me from this if i can.  I seem to fade in and out and want to drift back into the night and darkness that I was locked in last night.  Fade with the muted sound of thunder that rolls over my hills and keeps my mind at peace.