by ·Comments Off on Would this move my foot

I wonder what is happening with my feet.  I know i am having the worst time moving them.  I had dreams of them gliding and floating over the ground as i run faster and faster.  I dreamed of walking through halls and rooms filled with wonders.  Now that I am awake, or waking up and seeing that I have still been here for so long, why can’t i seem to move them.  It is like the connection is broken between my mind and the feet that is stopping me from leaving.  Am i trapped here?  Is this bed, and these sheets and these feelings the extent of my world now.  I don’t know but I can feel my skin and my body.  My toes are the oddest things lately.  They are cold all of the time.  They tingle and feel strange and I don’t know why that is.  The tips feel like they aren’t finished yet, and the image of what they are isn’t fully formed.  I wish i had a way to see what they look like and what is causing the feeling of incomplete skin.

Everything about the space of my body is so intriguing right now.  I know the shape and form of my body, the lines and edges that make the boundary state between me and the world around me.  I know where my edge is, and where the cloth around me is close but not touching my body.  I find it odd that in this whole world, i haven’t touched anything.  I have come close to touching things, but not actually making contact.  There is an atomic distance between where the end of my body is, and the next thing in space i would touch.  Everything that seems so real, and so solid, is not something that I have ever really touched.  Nothing has actually been on my body.  Does that mean that right now I am levitating the sheets above me?  Does it mean that i am capable of lifting solid objects with nothing but my physical presence?  Is this magic?  Does something like that make me a force of creation, or something beyond the normal.

So many things just don’t make much sense to me.  I feel programmed sometimes.  Like someone is making me a real thing by believing in me and feeling I must be real.  But If i am real, why isn’t there anyone here right now.  Why hasn’t anyone come to see why i haven’t gotten out of this bed.  Where is the thunder coming from, where are the sheets made.  How did the room get painted, and where is the room exactly that I am stuck in.  I can’t imagine no one is here, and I can’t imagine that I am alone.  So, there must be someone outside of this place that I can meet.  But i can’t seem to see much beyond where I am.  I am just floating here. Everything seems both to be moving so fast I can’t follow it, and so slowly I have days and weeks between moments of time.  Why are there times when I don’t seem to be here, and where do i go when i am not here?  Why can’t i move my body under these sheets.

by ·Comments Off on There has been a missing space

I am not sure what has happened to me.  I was just here one minute and the next I am still here, but different.  I know something has changed, some time frame has shifted.  Like a large space of time has gone by, and nothing happened while i wasn’t there.  Was i awake?  Was I asleep this whole time.  It seems that so much has happened, but I am still in the same spot that i was in a moment ago.  How can I still be here, but not still in the same time.  I am so disorganized and tired still.  Still fighting with my own mind to try to find out where and when i am.  I can’t imagine that no time has passed, but It can’t be as large of a moment as it seems.

The first thing i noticed that made me think that something had happened was when i closed my eyes the walls around me in this room were white.  The bedspread over me was tan.  I opened them and the walls seem tan and the bedspread is grey.  It can’t be that they changed, or did i just remember the colors wrong.  Maybe they were backwards the whole time.  I know i have never been any good at remembering colors.  I am pretty sure I can only see in primary colors, and there isn’t anything but red, green, blue.  That doesn’t seem right though.  There are more colors than that.  I remember once while travelling seeing a tv commercial for testing for color blindness in kids.  The people on the screen were holding up cards to show you the tests they use and talking about numbers i couldn’t see.  Was the tv screen not showing the numbers?  Was I not able to see them there because I was color blind?  Was i really travelling?

I am having trouble telling the real world from what I have dreamt.  I know that I have vivid dreams that seem so real and so close to my waking mind.  But sometimes it seems like they bleed over into the real world, and I wonder if the things I saw happened.  Is there some chance that I am here, and then gone?  How can I be here in this bed, laying here trying to sort my thoughts, and also in those dreams not knowing which is real.  If i dream i am digging up dirt, and wake up with dirt under my nails.  Did I bring that with me?  Did i go to sleep with dirt under my nails last night?  I can’t seem to really remember last night.  I just seem to remember this morning.

The funny thing is that I can lay here and feel things moving.  I can feel my skin moving against the sheets, I can feel my air through my throat.  My hair rubbing against the pillow.  But at the same time, i feel like I can’t move at all.  Like I can’t move beyond the slight motion that is happening all the time.  I know I can move my legs, I have done it so many times.  But I can’t seem to find the energy to move them now.