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This morning i woke up and remembered dreams of pilings.  Dreams of thick dark wood soaked in creosote and oil.  Whole tree trunks, just sunk into the water.  Green water streaming around the pilings and sunlight flashing through the water.  I saw so much in the water that day.  In my eyes i was above the water looking down, and In the water looking up.  From above i saw the shafts of light flowing through the water, i could see the edges of the light and the  ripples in the water.  It almost seemed like you could cut a section of water directly.  Even though it seemed so clear where the water cut into the light, the edges got darker the farther away i looked, and I could almost make out shapes in the distance.  The water moved and flowed and was alive at the same time.

From below I saw so much more.  The thing that stood out to me the most was that I could see the swimming shapes in the water.  I saw shadows of fish floating and washing through the edges of the light.  Smaller shapes of dust glowing as it drifted into and out of the beams.  I remember being mystified about how the shapes seemed to loom so large and so small at the same time.  How they almost seemed to grow as they approached.  The distance seemed to almost be as fluid as the fish themselves.  I couldn’t tell how large or small they were, but i was there with them and they were around me on all sides.  I felt both a sense of fear, and a sense of deep peace.  I knew that nothing there would approach me, or hurt me.  I also knew that I wasn’t anywhere that I was born into, that I was a visitor in this world.  Somewhere that the space of time never wanted me to go.

I remember the most vivid image that still stays with me.  The water was dark, but still visible.  The light was dim, but even on all sides.  In the shape that i could see, dark fins and shapes like tear drops and glass, with tight fins on the top and bottom, and tails behind.  They looked like curved glass and vases.  But alive and moving.  I remember 4 shapes in front of me, moving with the water, but at the same time static.  They were working in the three dimensions of the water, and floating stationary where i could see them.  I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  I can see them now when i close my eyes.  And the same sense of peace and stillness fills my mind.  I see and feel warmth.

All things in this dreams seem so familiar.  I know i have stood here, looking down into the water and seeing these shapes.  I can’t imagine that I have made these thoughts up.  But no matter how vivid my memories are and how deep i dream, how far i go into the thoughts i have I am still hear.  I know that I haven’t moved an inch.  How long have I been here?  How many dreams have I had, how many have i forgotten to stay and remember.  I will dream more and find my way to move.

 

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I remember sleeping and fading to the sound of thunder rolling.  It sounded like it was in the room with me, hidden beside the bed.  Sound slowly moving towards the bed, towards me, then rolling over me and passing along.  The sound was both lonely and comforting.  I could almost feel the pressure of the sound pushing me down into my bed, keeping me in place.  I slept with the sound coming and going, fading and getting louder as the storm moved.  I dreamt of the sound, and saw the air move and get deeper and darker.

Could the sound have changed the rhythm of my dream, and the nature of my thoughts?  Can sound change our thoughts without us being aware?  What if the sound of thunder was what made my mind so calm while my body didn’t move. How did the movement of the pressure waves and the pulse of my body merge into one.  All i know is that there is a peace in a storm in the distance.  The sound of thunder moving along in the distance, wrapped up in the clouds and hills.  It passed so close and seemed to remain all night and never really fade away.  It moved and moved and seemed to still live under my bed and by my floor.

Still though it helped my mind freeze into place at night and drift into my body more than it seems like it could at any time before.  I still don’t see how I am going to get into a place where I can ever get out of this bed.  The sheets must weigh more than my body, and the more i try to move them, the more that I feel like they are not something i can take off alone.  Like i am shackled into the bed by cloth.  I know that can’t be the way it is though because i can’t feel any links on my arms or legs.  I can feel my skin free under the sheets, and feel the hairs on my arms and legs loose and touching the fabric.

Is this the first time i have felt hair on my arms and legs?  Did i notice that before, or have i taken for granted that I have hairs.  Hairs on my legs down to my feet, and on my arms to my shoulders.  Tiny fine hairs on my arms, and heavier ones on my legs.  Were the hairs there the whole time, or did they just show up now that i am noticing them. I have to keep my mind on the sound of thunder.  On the rolling pressure that comes from the distance and pushes over the bed and passes by.  Nothing should distract me from this if i can.  I seem to fade in and out and want to drift back into the night and darkness that I was locked in last night.  Fade with the muted sound of thunder that rolls over my hills and keeps my mind at peace.