I woke this morning, or evening, or day.  I woke this morning with a start.  I was embedded in the middle of a stone of diamond.  A crystal chamber that surrounded me on all sides.  The light was beyond clear and bright.  It was yellow and white and the brightest thing i had ever seen in my life.  And then i woke up.  So quickly that It was like a flash frame went off in my mind, and i went from the diamond to the room i am in.  No delay, and no fuzzing around the edges of the mind or the dream.  No dissolving, only one moment to the next.Continue reading

I have to try again.  Again, and again and again and again.  I feel like i am going crazy right now.  Like an itch or a nagging pull against a sheet while you are trying to sleep.  Something keeps pulling at my soul.  Something is nagging at me, teasing inside of my brain and body.  Have you ever had to sleep, and all of your joints felt like they needed you to stretch them over and over to release this build-up of pressure?  I feel like there is something inside my skin, deep into my core that needs to be ripped and pulled apart

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Last night was such a dream.  It happened twice now that I have dreamt of trains.  I remember the last time it happened the train was in motion.  Rolling alongside the freeway i was driving on.  The train seemed to be frozen in space, and i was driving so fast.  I remember looking over then and seeing the windows lit up from inside.  People motionless, and yet keeping pace with me.  This dream was a train, but nothing else was the same.

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I am still here.  Still frozen in place in this bed.  Something changed though.  Something is different. It was tiny, and at first I didn’t know what was causing me this distress.  What had changed in the room i have been in so long that I can’t imagine anything in the world beyond these walls.  Nothing except the dreams that I seem to live half my life in.  Although lately, it seems that more than half is in these dreams that I keep returning too.

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A ringing came out of my head in my dream last night.  It was this sound like someone had hit a crystal with an iron rod.  Something large, and like a monolith.  Something that stood to the sky, and then someone ran at it with a huge iron rod in their hands.  They hit it and the sound started at the base and travelled up the length of the crystal.

I couldn’t see any of this, it wasn’t even a part of my dream.  I remember parts of what was in my head, and then this sound.  This ringing deep sound started.  It was something like a force pushing into my whole body from the sound alone.  It made my teeth hurt.  My eyes felt full.

The thing about the sound is that I knew where it was coming from, and couldn’t tell you how i knew, or where it was coming from.  It seemed to flood into the world.  Like a noise that became all the world around me.  Then something happened that hasn’t happened that I can remember.  I knew i wasn’t awake.  I knew i was in a dream, and i didn’t wake up.  It was like waking up in a strange place, and not knowing how i got there.  Knowing that I was asleep, i could see around myself and see the movement of the things around me.

Suddenly I knew i was a part of this dream, but apart from the dream.  I need to find out what this crystal was.  Who rang the thing, and what was it for.  What was the reason for my waking up now.  Why wasn’t i awake in the world, and still in the dream i was in before.  I know this means something, and seem like right now i can’t focus to figure it out.

Like i know that I need to figure out why my brain seems to shudder and start.  Why is my mind piecing this background information into my reality.  Why is the dream becoming so much more real than anything else.  When was i last awake, and why are my dreams becoming more vivid over time. I seem to be putting things together while my body sleeps.  Frozen, but my mind moves.

Everyplace my mind goes, i leave these trails behind me to follow back on day.  Even these tiny thoughts seem to catch in my mind.  They leave these memories that are like pathways to follow.  Tiny lines between me and the dream.  Each one seems to have a label hanging over it that can tell me when and where it goes.  I know i can follow these thoughts back to the source.Continue reading

I was asleep again.  Asleep and awake in the pillows.  I can’t be asleep in the pillows, because there is only one pillow.  There isn’t pillows in the sense of multiple pillows that I could be inside of.  I have one thin pillow behind my head.  It has been the same place, and it has been the same pillow.  My head feels about 5 degrees, above the plane of my body.  I wonder sometimes, is this the amount that some medical book says a human body should rest at?  Why not flat?  Why not higher?

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It was focused on dreams of copper. It was everywhere, and kept showing up on surfaces. Shining and sharp in color, it showed on so many things that it must have meant something.

It made me think that I have noticed my dreams aren’t of gold and silver, but copper comes again and again.  This one seemed to see plates built of copper, and pennies.  Strange that something so common can stand out so clearly.

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I have been spending the last few days trying to figure out what is going on.  I can’t tell if this is a prison, or if the whole thing is just a dream that I can’t wake up from.  I noticed that the dreams i do have never seem to show my face.  Never seem to show a reflection in anything that you would normally expect.  I know that I should see my face back in a reflection in a window or a car, or something, but there isn’t anything there at all.

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It is fading.  Already it is fading and falling away.  So strange how the moments like this fall away.  The sounds and the smells seem like the would never leave my mind.  Like I would spend the rest of my time on earth thinking of this one thing.  Over and over, and repeating in my mind that moment. But it washes away.  Sooner than I think it would go.  Where does it go, when it falls away from my mind.  What falls away first.

I keep wondering what i lose first.  What part of the dream, what part of the memory fades first.  It seems the first thing i lose is the sound.  I remember so many memories, and find myself filling in the sounds around what I know the sound must have been. I remember what rain sounds like, and my brain just puts the sound of rain into my dreams.  But this, the first thing going is the feeling.  The touch and the sense of pressure.  I remember from just a moment back that I could feel the pressure of my stomach and the feeling of tightness and skin.  Now though, i can’t remember the exact feeling.

The smell though, i remember the smell.  It was coming from this white spread across his skin.  He smelled like new bread.  Yeasty and fresh.  The smell of all growing things, of a health i can’t remember anything in the world smelling like.  If this was a smell of the beginning and the smell of all wholesome thing.  It is so hard to explain.  So hard to put some basic things into words. How to explain something so pure and unique.  It wasn’t like yeast and bread, but my brain thought that was the smell.  It reminded me of earth, but that wasn’t the smell.  It smelled clean, but also not clean.  How can one thing have so many different descriptors.

This memory like everything else is receding.  Falling away and slowly becoming background.  Memory that will still be tucked away, but like a silent movie.  No sound or feeling or connection, just this thing there sitting in my mind.  I remember reading a book somewhere that tells that the more that you think about something, the more it isn’t real.  Your mind can’t remember all the details and starts to replace things.  The sounds weren’t right.  Then your mind goes about convincing you that they were that way the whole time.  Then you can’t remember anything but what you inserted into the memory.

I know this is what is happening to me.  As i speak, my mind is filing away all these moments, and is replacing them with things that are false.  And then my brain can’t remember that they are false, and goes about rebuilding them and convincing itself it is true.

Will i forget my son?  Will i forget the smell of new bread that came off his skin so clearly?  What happens to this, and was this real in the first place?  Can someone bring this back to me to remember.