by ·Comments Off on I heard a knock and saw fire

Shhhhh…. did i hear that?  I think i heard something.  It sounded like something i think.  I swear the sound was a knock.  Like a single knock on a door.  Like someone was asking or announcing themselves to a room they were getting ready to come into.  Like a Dr, getting ready to come in to see a patient.  Maybe a parent coming into a child’s room and letting them know as a courtesy.  Did i really hear that?

It happened so fast that I wasn’t sure.  It is the first sound I have heard in this place, and the first sound that didn’t seem to come from inside myself, or from the room itself.  Something, outside.  That is such a weird thing that I think sounds from outside are not normal.  Isn’t there a world out there?  Where are my thoughts and memories from if not outside.  Why is this so startling.  Like when you are in an empty house and hear the floorboards creak in a way they only do when someone walks on them, but no one is home but you.  It was that kind of sound.  A lonely sound in a quiet place.  But also, not lonely.  Its was a knock of authority.  Someone who wasn’t waiting for a response. Or someone who didn’t think one was coming.  Someone who was doing it as a courtesy that they didn’t really need to make, but did almost out of habit or routine.  I didn’t move, but my whole body felt like it constricted and got taller.  Can you move without movement?  Is this what animals feel when they feel eyes upon them in the woods?  Something that is seeing me, but i don’t know what it is.

I also keep thinking that the form of this thought, of the way that I am sharing this isn’t structured the way it should be.  I seem to remember seeing how others share thoughts, how they put their structure together, and it seems to be that the form is much more concise and structured.  Like everything is run by an editor and someone makes the form of the words and the intent of the thoughts more cohesive.  I don’t know why, but the way i am thinking makes sense to me, and I don’t want to change it.  At the same time, I want anyone who is trying to see what i am saying, and know the things that I am seeing and thinking and remembering, sees them the right way as well.  In my mind, my thoughts are a runon sentence.  Just a large wall of busy thoughts.  Visual ideas and stories pressed together.

This knock was everything new in the world today.  It shook free a dream.  I have so many dreams of water and woods.  I have dreams of plants, and so many dreams of trees.  Nothing dark or in any color but greens, browns, blues.  Colors of nature of a sort.  Life and growth.  Calm and movement.  But the knock.  That sound shook something loose.  A dream I had last night.  Different from everything I have dreamed before.  But also so familiar, i must have been there before.  If not in life then when sleeping.  The dream.  I don’t know how to put what it is into words.  It was dreams of building, of harsh lines and putting pieces together.  It was a dream of deep holes.  Fire and red heat.  It was a dream of fighting off demons and spirits that only wanted to escape.  Buildings that were abandoned and lost in places, but found and repopulated.  I need to share this, but can’t think of how to do so.

I need to go for now to listen again to see if i hear the knock again.

by ·Comments Off on Archive and response

I have archived all my memories.  That must be it.  The time i have spent in this room must be an interrupted restoration of some type of installation of my dreams.  Like I was mid rewrite and something woke me up.  Now i am coming into and out of these dreams.  They are so peaceful and soothing, i dream of water and soil.  Nothing but calm and cool air.  I know this is a good sign that whatever I am recovering is a good thing, but it seems like the memories may not come back until I can carry the dreams into my waking life and move forward.

I am awake now, and i know that this is real.  I can see the ceiling above me.  I can remember painting the ceilings and walls, even though i can’t remember what holding a paint brush feels like.  Did i use a paint brush?  Did i use a roller.  I don’t think that matters, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder if the details are actually all that do matter.  I feel like i am making a record or a recording of all the things that happened.  I know this isn’t right, but it is the closest i feel to what this feels like.

The other thing that seems more and more odd is the vividness of the dreams, and the clarity of what i remember.  It is like someone zoomed into the moment and focused so clearly there is a blinding quality to what i am seeing.  Like if my eyes could focus farther I could see the individual molecules of matter in the scene.  I remember staring at water reflecting on a brown river.  Even though the water was brown, the water seemed clear and fresh.  I stared at the reflection for so long it seemed like my eyes would go blind from the light.  I stood there and stared.

How can i remember standing if i can’t remember what it feels like to be anywhere than this bed.  If i am here, and also i was there, where am i really?  I know this seems odd, but it is one of the only things in my mind.  Am I here now in this bed, staring at this ceiling, or am I standing by the river, or am I anywhere else.

It can’t be both can it?  Can i be the sum of all those parts.  It seems like maybe this isn’t all that there is, and I need to find a way to live in both places.  Was i reflecting on this bed when i was at the waters edge?  What did i stop when i was interrupted, and what memory was i in the middle of when my dreams were stopped.  I know that can’t be good for anyone trapped in that moment.  Are they stuck, repeating over and over in time.  What would that look like.  I don’t know if that means that they are waiting in that moment for everything to start back up while they stutter back and forth in that final moment before my memory stopped.

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by ·Comments Off on There has been a missing space

I am not sure what has happened to me.  I was just here one minute and the next I am still here, but different.  I know something has changed, some time frame has shifted.  Like a large space of time has gone by, and nothing happened while i wasn’t there.  Was i awake?  Was I asleep this whole time.  It seems that so much has happened, but I am still in the same spot that i was in a moment ago.  How can I still be here, but not still in the same time.  I am so disorganized and tired still.  Still fighting with my own mind to try to find out where and when i am.  I can’t imagine that no time has passed, but It can’t be as large of a moment as it seems.

The first thing i noticed that made me think that something had happened was when i closed my eyes the walls around me in this room were white.  The bedspread over me was tan.  I opened them and the walls seem tan and the bedspread is grey.  It can’t be that they changed, or did i just remember the colors wrong.  Maybe they were backwards the whole time.  I know i have never been any good at remembering colors.  I am pretty sure I can only see in primary colors, and there isn’t anything but red, green, blue.  That doesn’t seem right though.  There are more colors than that.  I remember once while travelling seeing a tv commercial for testing for color blindness in kids.  The people on the screen were holding up cards to show you the tests they use and talking about numbers i couldn’t see.  Was the tv screen not showing the numbers?  Was I not able to see them there because I was color blind?  Was i really travelling?

I am having trouble telling the real world from what I have dreamt.  I know that I have vivid dreams that seem so real and so close to my waking mind.  But sometimes it seems like they bleed over into the real world, and I wonder if the things I saw happened.  Is there some chance that I am here, and then gone?  How can I be here in this bed, laying here trying to sort my thoughts, and also in those dreams not knowing which is real.  If i dream i am digging up dirt, and wake up with dirt under my nails.  Did I bring that with me?  Did i go to sleep with dirt under my nails last night?  I can’t seem to really remember last night.  I just seem to remember this morning.

The funny thing is that I can lay here and feel things moving.  I can feel my skin moving against the sheets, I can feel my air through my throat.  My hair rubbing against the pillow.  But at the same time, i feel like I can’t move at all.  Like I can’t move beyond the slight motion that is happening all the time.  I know I can move my legs, I have done it so many times.  But I can’t seem to find the energy to move them now.