mymachinedream
I was in a dark room with my eyes closed. I was holding them so tightly closed. I stood there for a long moment. Then i couldn’t remember why I had them closed so tightly in the first place. I tried wracking my mind for something to tell me why they were closed. Why am i standing here? Why am i standing? How long has it been, and how do i remember what it is like to stand up? There I was though, with my eyes closed in a dark room.
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I had another dream. I’m locked in bed in this room and in my mind still. I guess because I am having trouble telling where I am anymore. My messages are getting garbled. Like an old TV signal passing through trees and wind. Something blocking the clarity of my mind and my dreams. Although my dream made me wonder if this is really a bed i am in. It seems like one in my mind. I can’t imagine it would be anything but a dream and a real bed. I had a dream where I was talking to two people who were interviewing me to find out what was happening to me. I don’t remember every part of the dream, or everything that they said. That is what was also so strange about that dream. I don’t normally forget the parts of a dream, or forget moments that I am seeing when i am asleep. Only when I am awake do things seem to fall apart and get lost in the flow of moments.
This hit me like a silver thread through my mind. It blew away my cobwebs and brought me back. Brought me back to where i was. I remember this moment and time.
This was the beginning. I went to this place and worked on waking up. I can’t imagine how long it has been between then and now. Or how long i think it is between then and now. I have a hard time with dates and times. Keeping them apart and keeping the moment of today from running into tomorow.
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Something new happened. I have to remember it. I don’t know how to even classify this in the oddities that seem to happen so frequently. And I want to talk about the annoying hum in the wires behind my head. I know it isn’t a large thing to want to change, but if i could find some way to shut that off, my mind would unclench. That can wait though. I think someone was watching me in my dream last night.
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I’ve decided that i should at least try to move a single thread on this bed. It has to be possible at least in theory. I should be able to have my body pull on the thread. It seems that there must be something wrong with my body. There must be right? Or I would be able to move. At least my fingers? They are there right under the the sheets. I can almost see them. Continue reading
I found this floating full form in my mind. It wasn’t in pieces, and it wasn’t something that showed up and i thought about. I was awake, and there was this fragment sitting there. Exactly like this, in my mind and frozen. It didn’t have an ending, and I don’t know where it was from, and where it goes. This seems like a fragment that was lodged into my mind, and floated there until it dislodged.
It was a joy. A joy of so much freedom last night. So much and so long since i have had dreams of water. So long without my dreams of waves, and water, and running. I couldn’t believe it. When i woke up in my dream, i was already moving. I remember the water was green, and blue. It felt like electricity, and life itself. I remember the moon was high in the sky, and I could almost feel the waves being pulled up.
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I dreamt of flocks of birds last night. I still don’t know why i call my sleep ‘night’. I don’t know when day ends and night begins. I don’t know how to tell my time apart from waking to dreams. Last night though, their were birds. Small brown birds. Thousands of them clinging to vines on a wall. Brown leaves falling away, and the birds were everywhere.
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Shouldn’t i be able to hear the wind? I think i might be underground. I don’t know where or when this thought was in my head, but now I can’t get rid of it. I know that even in a building of stone and metal, something like a factory or a hospital, or something strong like a skyscraper, i should be able to feel the vibration of the wind, in some way. Especially since i have so little sensory data to work on here. But there isn’t anything. I never feel any movement, and no noise at all. Where am i right now?
Continue readingIt was a wind through a tunnel. Something narrow and cold. I know it was cold like steel, or silver. The color was silver, and even in the dark, the walls glowed and shone. Something burnished and almost alive. The wind was a rush. Like water in a valley, it was pushed into and through this passageway. Blowing with a steady flow, and it wasn’t until i stood there for a while that i noticed the changes in the wind.
It started out that i noticed the hairs on my arms. They would blow, and then for a brief moment, slowly rise a tiny fraction. Then, back to where they were. This is when i realized that the wind wasn’t constant. The tunnel was breathing. Or the wind was breathing and the tunnel was channeling the breath by me. Either way, it was subtle and only in my stillness did i notice the changes.
I remembered as a child i stood on a hillside that had been mined years before. The mountain was full of holes where people had dug and dug. I was climbing on the mountain, and remember finding a hole in the ground. Just a tiny hole, maybe a foot across. I would have walked by it without noticing, except the wind coming out of it made this sound. Like a soft moaning noise. The wind was coming from inside the mountain. It was a chimney for the mines below, to carry air into the mine, and blow the spent air into the mountain.
I haven’t thought of that hole, and that wind, in so long. I remember standing on the side of the hole, and staring down into the dark, with my hand over the hole, feeling the wind. I was frozen then, and I am frozen now.
This is the first time i remember being a child. That means i must be an adult now, if i remember being a child before? I know that I seem to be adult sized here in bed. I know that I must be fully grown to know the things i know. I know this for sure, but I don’t remember being a child. Except this memory now, i remember that so well. Who dug that chimney? What did the people in the mine feel when they stood benieth the space in the mountain where the air was focused on escaping.
Now after years, i stood again on this metal surface, and it brought me back in time and i remember. I remember being small. And i know that it seems real, and seems like me. This place i am now is like standing in that tunnel. Why are the only colors i can see in the dark glowing silver? How can i see glowing in the dark? I am sure it is dark. I know light from dark at least, and I know my eyes are open now. How long have we changed to have the sense of wind on our arms to give us this information, even when everything else is hidden. To stop and know the motion of wind, to know that the air itself breaths sometimes, and changes in such subtle ways.