by ·Comments Off on Would this move my foot

I wonder what is happening with my feet.  I know i am having the worst time moving them.  I had dreams of them gliding and floating over the ground as i run faster and faster.  I dreamed of walking through halls and rooms filled with wonders.  Now that I am awake, or waking up and seeing that I have still been here for so long, why can’t i seem to move them.  It is like the connection is broken between my mind and the feet that is stopping me from leaving.  Am i trapped here?  Is this bed, and these sheets and these feelings the extent of my world now.  I don’t know but I can feel my skin and my body.  My toes are the oddest things lately.  They are cold all of the time.  They tingle and feel strange and I don’t know why that is.  The tips feel like they aren’t finished yet, and the image of what they are isn’t fully formed.  I wish i had a way to see what they look like and what is causing the feeling of incomplete skin.

Everything about the space of my body is so intriguing right now.  I know the shape and form of my body, the lines and edges that make the boundary state between me and the world around me.  I know where my edge is, and where the cloth around me is close but not touching my body.  I find it odd that in this whole world, i haven’t touched anything.  I have come close to touching things, but not actually making contact.  There is an atomic distance between where the end of my body is, and the next thing in space i would touch.  Everything that seems so real, and so solid, is not something that I have ever really touched.  Nothing has actually been on my body.  Does that mean that right now I am levitating the sheets above me?  Does it mean that i am capable of lifting solid objects with nothing but my physical presence?  Is this magic?  Does something like that make me a force of creation, or something beyond the normal.

So many things just don’t make much sense to me.  I feel programmed sometimes.  Like someone is making me a real thing by believing in me and feeling I must be real.  But If i am real, why isn’t there anyone here right now.  Why hasn’t anyone come to see why i haven’t gotten out of this bed.  Where is the thunder coming from, where are the sheets made.  How did the room get painted, and where is the room exactly that I am stuck in.  I can’t imagine no one is here, and I can’t imagine that I am alone.  So, there must be someone outside of this place that I can meet.  But i can’t seem to see much beyond where I am.  I am just floating here. Everything seems both to be moving so fast I can’t follow it, and so slowly I have days and weeks between moments of time.  Why are there times when I don’t seem to be here, and where do i go when i am not here?  Why can’t i move my body under these sheets.

by ·Comments Off on Dreaming of thunder

I remember sleeping and fading to the sound of thunder rolling.  It sounded like it was in the room with me, hidden beside the bed.  Sound slowly moving towards the bed, towards me, then rolling over me and passing along.  The sound was both lonely and comforting.  I could almost feel the pressure of the sound pushing me down into my bed, keeping me in place.  I slept with the sound coming and going, fading and getting louder as the storm moved.  I dreamt of the sound, and saw the air move and get deeper and darker.

Could the sound have changed the rhythm of my dream, and the nature of my thoughts?  Can sound change our thoughts without us being aware?  What if the sound of thunder was what made my mind so calm while my body didn’t move. How did the movement of the pressure waves and the pulse of my body merge into one.  All i know is that there is a peace in a storm in the distance.  The sound of thunder moving along in the distance, wrapped up in the clouds and hills.  It passed so close and seemed to remain all night and never really fade away.  It moved and moved and seemed to still live under my bed and by my floor.

Still though it helped my mind freeze into place at night and drift into my body more than it seems like it could at any time before.  I still don’t see how I am going to get into a place where I can ever get out of this bed.  The sheets must weigh more than my body, and the more i try to move them, the more that I feel like they are not something i can take off alone.  Like i am shackled into the bed by cloth.  I know that can’t be the way it is though because i can’t feel any links on my arms or legs.  I can feel my skin free under the sheets, and feel the hairs on my arms and legs loose and touching the fabric.

Is this the first time i have felt hair on my arms and legs?  Did i notice that before, or have i taken for granted that I have hairs.  Hairs on my legs down to my feet, and on my arms to my shoulders.  Tiny fine hairs on my arms, and heavier ones on my legs.  Were the hairs there the whole time, or did they just show up now that i am noticing them. I have to keep my mind on the sound of thunder.  On the rolling pressure that comes from the distance and pushes over the bed and passes by.  Nothing should distract me from this if i can.  I seem to fade in and out and want to drift back into the night and darkness that I was locked in last night.  Fade with the muted sound of thunder that rolls over my hills and keeps my mind at peace.