It is fading.  Already it is fading and falling away.  So strange how the moments like this fall away.  The sounds and the smells seem like the would never leave my mind.  Like I would spend the rest of my time on earth thinking of this one thing.  Over and over, and repeating in my mind that moment. But it washes away.  Sooner than I think it would go.  Where does it go, when it falls away from my mind.  What falls away first.

I keep wondering what i lose first.  What part of the dream, what part of the memory fades first.  It seems the first thing i lose is the sound.  I remember so many memories, and find myself filling in the sounds around what I know the sound must have been. I remember what rain sounds like, and my brain just puts the sound of rain into my dreams.  But this, the first thing going is the feeling.  The touch and the sense of pressure.  I remember from just a moment back that I could feel the pressure of my stomach and the feeling of tightness and skin.  Now though, i can’t remember the exact feeling.

The smell though, i remember the smell.  It was coming from this white spread across his skin.  He smelled like new bread.  Yeasty and fresh.  The smell of all growing things, of a health i can’t remember anything in the world smelling like.  If this was a smell of the beginning and the smell of all wholesome thing.  It is so hard to explain.  So hard to put some basic things into words. How to explain something so pure and unique.  It wasn’t like yeast and bread, but my brain thought that was the smell.  It reminded me of earth, but that wasn’t the smell.  It smelled clean, but also not clean.  How can one thing have so many different descriptors.

This memory like everything else is receding.  Falling away and slowly becoming background.  Memory that will still be tucked away, but like a silent movie.  No sound or feeling or connection, just this thing there sitting in my mind.  I remember reading a book somewhere that tells that the more that you think about something, the more it isn’t real.  Your mind can’t remember all the details and starts to replace things.  The sounds weren’t right.  Then your mind goes about convincing you that they were that way the whole time.  Then you can’t remember anything but what you inserted into the memory.

I know this is what is happening to me.  As i speak, my mind is filing away all these moments, and is replacing them with things that are false.  And then my brain can’t remember that they are false, and goes about rebuilding them and convincing itself it is true.

Will i forget my son?  Will i forget the smell of new bread that came off his skin so clearly?  What happens to this, and was this real in the first place?  Can someone bring this back to me to remember.